When you apologize, the other person is supposed to accept your apology if they are a good person, right?
Yet when I started working with my spiritual teacher, John-Roger, I would make a mistake and then apologize. Instead of telling me its okay, he would say: “Performance is the best apology.”
He didn’t seem to play by the “polite” rules. He didn’t really care about that, and I’m glad.
When you apologize but don’t change your behavior, your apology is meaningless. I’m not saying that there isn’t value in a heartfelt apology when your actions caused hurt, because there is, but the apology needs to be backed up with corrective action to give it the weight of being meaningful.
I know we all make mistakes, but when we repeat the same mistake then it’s more than a mistake, it is a bad habit.
If someone just accepts the words of your apology for your habitual mistakes, they are doing themselves and you a disservice. Rather than be sorry for those things you do again and again, it would be better if you acknowledge to yourself that you have a bad habit going. At least you start by being honest with yourself.
The first step is to accept and own your behavior because that gives you the authority and ability to correct it. Having thoughts and feelings of being sorry do not serve you until you take action to stop doing that which you are sorry for.
Next time you do something that you feel the need to immediately apologize for, pause.
Ask yourself if this is the first time you’ve made a mistake like this? If you couldn’t say you are sorry for doing it, how would you demonstrate an apology by changing your actions? How could you correct your behavior going forward? What would it look like if you responded differently to the situation in the first place? Maybe write this down in a journal.
It can be valuable to start tracking behaviors like this. Each time you do the behavior, note that you did it, what preceded it, and what result you got from it. Tracking the trigger, action, and reward to a bad habit can actually give you enough awareness to change the habit. Don’t underestimate the power of awareness.
You can also be straight with the person who is affected by your behavior.
It might sound like: “I realize this isn’t the first time I’ve done this, and that I have a bad habit going. I am sorry and I would like my actions to show that I’m sorry. Here’s what I am doing to work on correcting this ____. I’d like your help to keep me accountable, so say something if you see me doing this again.”
Since we are all in this boat together, many people will appreciate the honesty and be supportive of what you are doing. There’s always going to be the petty tyrants who might try to use your honesty against you, but you will outgrow them by using your own mistakes to get better and improve yourself.
It can be humbling to recognize our own bad habits, but they are something all of us have in common. Like my spiritual teacher, John-Roger, used to say to me, “If someone asks what I’m doing, just tell them I’m working on correcting my bad habits.”
No one is exempt from the pitfalls of human nature, but we can support ourselves and others in reorienting our behaviors towards the Light.
If you are interested in finding out more about working with Nat, respond to this newsletter or visit his website transcend.online