Surrendering to Grief
If you live long enough, you will eventually experience grief. Loss is a natural part of living, and the letting go of those things we are attached to is something we all get to confront one way or another. Whether it is the loss of a relationship, a job/career, money, friendships, or the death of a loved one, loss is inevitable.
I don’t look at grief as an emotion, but rather as a process. It defines our experience of significant loss, and can include joy, happiness, laughter, emotional pain, heartache, and sorrow.
Death of a loved one is the most significant loss, because of the finality of death. Grief is a process you must go through, and the more you can accept that it is what it is, the better it will be for you.
From my point of view and experience, grief sucks. It just does. I accept that it sucks, and though I have no desire to go through it, I am aware of what it is. You don’t have to like something to accept it.
When I got sucked over the falls on a large wave recently, and was in the lip as it crashed down, driving me so deep it was dark, so violent I had no control, the only thing I could do was to relax the best I could and wait, as I have trained to do. Once it was over, I started climbing my leash and looking for the light since that was the only way to know which way was up because it was so disorienting.
I knew as I was being pulled backwards, upside down, before the crash, that it was going to suck. If I freaked out I would just use more oxygen of my held breath, and end up in a worse situation. To fight against the intensity of that experience is an exercise in futility.
This is a good analogy for how I look at grief. You can’t do anything about grief, grief is doing it to you. You are just along for the ride.
As you are processed by the grief, there are many things that can really help support you. Depending on the type of grief, different tools can be used. It can be valuable when you are grieving to talk to someone who has an understanding and knowledge of the experience and that can help you get through it.
I liken the experience of significant loss to that of a physical injury. There are so many different types of injuries, and even if two people have the same injury there may be very different experiences and outcomes. Even when an injury is healed, it can mean very different things depending on the severity of the injury, and level of medical care available, and the determination of the person healing. Even when healed, and even if full function is returned, a person may have scars or feel pain when it is cold.
Just like physical injuries, loss can leave scars and still cause pain in certain situations, even when you are healed and have finished grieving. Some losses can be so severe that it is something you just have to learn how to function and live with. Whatever healing of loss has meant for you, and whatever pain is left over, it is possible to continue on and to be truly happy and free inside again. It may take a lot of work and determination to get there, but joy and a good life are possible.
There are also blessings from grief especially when it is triggered by a significant death. It is extremely clarifying for your relationship to God, the Universe, your life, and death. It can cause a crisis for what this life means, which makes us truly look at and define what is important to us and how we want to live for the short time we are here. It also gives us empathy and understanding for others who have experienced a loss.
Perhaps you are dealing with a loss, or know someone who is that could benefit from you sharing this newsletter with them. As always, if you or someone you know could use more direct support, they can reach out to me here.
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