Falling Out of Love?
Unconsciously Falling Out of Love or Consciously Restoring Love
In my coaching practice, relationships are one of the main areas that people discuss and struggle with.
Recently I was speaking to someone about their relationship, and observing how they were relating inside of themselves to their partner. Since I come from the school that all relationships are primarily inside of each person, then how one holds their significant other inside of themselves is the key indicator for how their outer relationship will manifest. It is not what is happening outside, but rather how we are experiencing it inside of ourselves that matters.
With this person, I noticed that they were unconsciously doing those things which I recommend to people who are trying to get over someone. Except she was doing it with someone she was in a relationship with, and ostensibly wanted that relationship to be better than it was. She was unconsciously doing those things I teach people on how to fall out of love!
We can literally start criticizing our partner inside of us to the point where we stop seeing their inherent value and goodness, and instead start relating to them with disdain and disgust. At that point the relationship is over even if it continues for a while. If you loose track of the value your partner brings to you and the relationship, and start demanding of them from that place of disdain, you are ending that relationship or creating an unhealthy situation.
When someone is really heartbroken over another, it can be valuable in certain instances to change how they hold that person inside of themselves from one of adoration to one of disgust and repulsion. There are tools and techniques which I have enumerated quite throughly in my podcast on the subject on how to do that.
When you are in a relationship with someone (assumably one that you care about and started out in love with), you can subtly start to create disturbance, separation, and difficulties in the relationship by your own unconscious patterns.
If you find that you aren’t really seeing the value of the other person, or are criticizing them inside of yourself and frustrated with their expression, then you are starting down a road that may eventually end it (even if they are the one to actually end it).
You fell in love with this person. You got together with this person. Now you’ve been with them a while. You know the person well. People can change behaviors, but most people don’t really change in terms of certain aspects of their personalities, yet all the sudden you are unhappy with who they are.
Since people don’t really change, you either choose to live with those aspects of their personality you don’t like or you decide you can’t live with them, and that is something that is far easier to acknowledge to yourself early on than too far into it.
Once you choose that you are choosing into the relationship with the other person, then it becomes on you to maintain that significant other to a place of loving and adoration inside of you. That isn’t their job. They are who they are. You cannot change them!
If you married a banker, maybe he/she is horrible at plumbing. If you are with an introvert, don’t expect them to want to do things that involve them being extroverted.
You are off base if you start using those aspects of their personalities as a way to diminish their value. You can leave the person, and sometimes that is the very best choice, but you must realize that each person has those things which you aren’t going to like. The key is finding someone with whom you are able to put up with those aspects you don’t like without loosing the loving and goodness you have for them inside of you.
It is really important to have a similar focus or vision for your life as your partner, or at least a compatible one, so that you are both looking in the same direction rather than just at each other. If your visions for life are too different, then the competing visions will create a division and it may be wise to reevaluate the relationship.
So, given you’ve found that person you have chosen to be with, there are ways to consciously and continuously restore them to that place inside where you love and adore them. I say continuously, because relationships aren’t a stagnant process, they are ever moving and so you have to make a habit of finding ways to restore your significant other to that loving place inside of you.
One of the keys is to recognize and acknowledge their inherent value. That is the love that regardless of what they do or say, you recognize their worth and value.
What is it that you value about your loved one? It’s usually one of the reasons you fell in love with them in the first place.
The first step is to do this inside of yourself. To make it a practice to focus on the good, the cute things about your partner.
The second is to acknowledge it to them. That means to actually say it out loud. Make it a point to tell them what you appreciate about who they are at least once a day. Not an appreciation of what they did (like that they did the dishes), but an appreciation of an aspect of them (I really appreciate your internal strength and optimism, it means a lot to me).
This is a valuable tool to maintain the loving in your relationship. If both of you do this, it can be even double the loving, which is wonderful.
Give it a try. Let me know how it goes.
If you are interested in finding out more about working with Nat, respond to this newsletter or visit his website transcend.online
